Disclaimer: This article doesn’t even attempt to help you survive THIS sort of airplane situation

As we’ve said many times before, we’re terrible travellers. We pack the weirdest, heaviest stuff (like microwaves, kettles, mousetraps and cold-brew kits), we freak out at airports, we get all worked up over Greyhound buses, we’re fussy to the extreme about our accommodation (quick example: Rob hates fat pillows) and we’re total amateurs when it comes to doing anything involving “nature”.

You can imagine what we’re like on airplanes.

But we need to get better, because we’re supposed to be digital nomads, dammit.

So for reasons relating to self-improvement, marriage-preservation and potential responsibility for international Valium shortages, we thought we’d scour the internet for the best products and tips to help us and all other airplane wusses out there.

Below is the results of our research – handily categorised so that you can browse through the bits you need help with most.

Dealing with noise

Are you after something that’ll take the edge off the low-level engine buzz, or completely deafen you to the screams of a petrified husband?

Take the edge off low-level engine buzz

Earplugs. An obvious choice, but they’re cheap and often provided free by airlines (especially on long-haul flights). You’ll feel like you’re underwater and you’ll get confused when you speak really quietly and no one else can hear you, but apart from that, they’re a pretty safe bet.

Custom-moulded earplugs (by an audiologist). The choice for musicians and people with their “own special custom-made” everything else in life – like wardrobes, car seats and bed linen. They are good though, because they don’t distort the sound and they won’t fall out.

White noise apps. There are loads of different apps on the market, but the ultimate favourite seems to be first-to-the-naming-office White Noise – which has 40 ambient sounds to help you relax or sleep. You can get it on Android and iPhone.

One of these beauties can lull you to sleep, thanks to a white noise app

Deafen you to the screams of a petrified husband

Noise-cancelling headphones. Everyone raves about the Bose QC15 Acoustic Noise-Cancelling Headphones, claiming they drown out plane noise, babies and screaming spouses. They’re likely to cost more than your flight (about $300), but they might also save your sanity in the long run.

Sleeping comfortably

Get yourself some noise-cancellation gear first, then read on…

We’ve looked at heaps of travel pillows, and we’ve realised that a lot more should go into a pillow-buying decision than just the comfort level. For example, will it take up all the allotted space in your hand luggage? If it’s inflatable, just how easy is it to inflate? And deflation – what’s that like? How easily do you suffer from embarrassment?

Ostrich Pillow

If you’re one of life’s cringers, the Ostrich Pillow may not be for you. That’s because it looks like this:

Yes… this

But boy does it look cosy! We haven’t tried one yet, but we desperate to give it a go.

The Ostrich Pillow fits snuggly over the head, and it seems to meet standard health-and-safety requirements (i.e. there’s a hole through which you can breathe). There are also two pockets for your hands so they don’t get cold.

The idea is that the “soothing, cave-like interior shelters and isolates our head and hands”.

The pillow folds up tightly into a carry-on bag, and it’s been getting good reviews so far. There are only three problems, as far as we can see: 1) it’s a frickin’ expensive nap – about $80 per pillow; 2) if you’re going away next week, forget it: there’s a 60-90 day delivery time; 3) there’s no neck support – which may or may not be a deal-breaker for you.

Muji Microbead Neck Cushion

When we have our own house one day, it’s guaranteed to look like a shrine to Muji: everything from their storage boxes to cardboard speakers exude calm, order and minimalism – qualities we clearly lack but aspire to have.

Until then, perhaps the store’s neck cushion (about $25) will at least make us more comfortable and peaceful on planes.

It certainly looks pretty comfy – especially in this video – and while it won’t squish to fit inside your technology-laden hand luggage, it will at least clip onto it (or around your neck, in fact).

It can also be used as a back support and a leg support, and the little clip will keep it in place.

TravelRest

The TravelRest (about $27) seems to have it all: a way of leaning to the side to sleep (much more comfy – and dignified – than leaning back with your mouth wide open), a nifty non-slip mechanism, and easy deflatability – which means you can take it anywhere.

Say what you like about this lady, but she sure does get around with her TravelRest(s)

There are loads of different ways in which you can attach it to your seat – and if you don’t have a seat, there’s even a method to wear it like a messenger bag and lean against it.

Curing dodgy tummies

Before every flight, we used to optimistically plan our strategy for Mile High Club membership. We’ve finally accepted it’s never gonna happen – not with our dodgy tummies.

So… tummies. Ours don’t cope very well on flights, and lots of other people suffer too.

There are loads of tips about drinking lots of water, avoiding plane food, saying no to alcohol, doing tummy rubs, etc. But we’ve tried everything and the benefits are marginal. So here’s what we do: we eat what we like, we drink what we like, and we ignore all the advice. By the end of the flight we’re more bloated than the EU budget and we feel like we’ve got a really bad case of gastroenteritis, but then we felt like that when we followed all the rules.

This pic represents farting on an airplane

Even after doing research for this post, we can’t find any tips that are that different from stuff we’ve tried already. But in case they work for you, here they are:

• Take some sort of chewable stomach medication in your hand luggage (don’t take liquid medication – it’s a hassle, it’ll spill, and you probably won’t get it past security anyway). My doctor has told me Pepto Bismol is pretty much a placebo, but others swear by it and you can get it as a chewy tablet.
• Don’t read – it’ll make you feel worse.
• Gas in your stomach expands as an aircraft climbs, leading to bloating and pain. Before you fly, avoid foods that are known for causing a buildup of gas (like apples, beans and cabbage). When on the flight, don’t rush your meals (you’ll gulp in even more air).
• To release trapped gas, lean forward over your knee and sit up again (but good luck doing it on a plane without attracting attention).
• Don’t eat salty food because it’ll cause water retention.
• Drink lots of water, because flying dehydrates you and makes your stomach worse.
• Don’t do anything else that’s likely to dehydrate you – like drink alcohol.
• Don’t eat food that’s hard to digest, like meat.

If you’re really bad on airplanes or want to be a bit zany…

• Get a SKWOOSH travel cushion to stick under your arse and relieve pressure there and on your lower back and legs.
• The SkyRest travel pillow is effing huge but looks amazing. (The SkyRest website is less amazing… you’ll see what I mean.)

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Aaaand we’re done! This isn’t a comprehensive list and I’ll be adding to it when I come across more stuff in future. If you have any other tips and suggestions, please leave them in the comments below!